Why Won't You Apologize?

Why Won't You Apologize?
Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts
Harriet Lerner
Price: £
  • Paperback
12 Jan 2017
  • Mind, Body & Spirit
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‘I’m sorry’ are the two most important words in our language: when we have been hurt, we feel that only a genuine apology can rebuild a broken relationship and restore trust. But what makes a truly good apology? Why are some people unable to say sorry, while others apologize all the time? And do we always have to forgive those who hurt us?

In this joyful, sanity-saving guide to setting things right, the renowned psychologist and bestselling author Harriet Lerner answers these questions and more. Using compelling real-life stories and solid theory she explains, with humour and wit, the transformative power of making amends and the mindfulness we need to heal the damage we’ve infl icted (or suff ered). In the process, we learn not only how to craft a meaningful apology, but also that forgiveness isn’t the only path to peace of mind, and how we can resist the pressure to forgive too easily.

Read an extract here!


'A timely handbook that explains how to turn things around' San Francisco Chronicle 

'Soulful, compassionate, and oh so right' Susie Orbach, co-founder of The Women's Therapy Centre in London and in New York

'This book is a game changer' Brené Brown, PhD, author of the #1 New York Times besteller Rising Strong

'Draws you in with deft and engaging prose, and then changes your life with her rigorous intelligence and her deeply human advice' Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, author of Mating in Captivity

'Harriet Lerner pioneers on behalf of women’s whole humanity’ Gloria Steinem

'Most wonderfully, Lerner tackles absent apologies that hurt and demoralize. She considers forgiving vs. letting go and shows readers how to have one without the other...Highly recommended for mental health professionals and anyone struggling to offer an apology, hoping for one, or wishing to move on – with or without forgiving' Library Journal

'At once practical and profound. It guides us through the most difficult places in human relationships. Read this book, then pass it on to the non-apologizer in your life' Monica McGoldrick, Director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park

'What a powerful book. Anyone who has friends, co-workers, family members would do well to have a copy of this book at the ready...just in case' Charlotte Observer Reading Matters

'With her signature punch and humor, Harriet Lerner tackles the injuries that occur in marriage, family and friendship. Her advice for repairing hurts and earning forgiveness is fresh, profound, life-affirming and immediately useful' Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of How Can I Forgive You?

'If you want to learn the art and craft of apology and repair when you've hurt someone you care about, this is your book.  If you are frustrated with a loved one who is no good at accepting responsibility for hurting you, this is your book.  If you want powerful  insights into human relationships delivered in personal, enjoyable writing, let me say it plainly: this is the best self-help book I've ever read!' William Doherty, Ph.D. professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage

'I love Harriet Lerner’s work!' Anne Lamott, author Help, Thanks, Wow and Bird by Bird

'A profoundly insightful look into the many ways humans hurt each other and the power of apology to restore broken relationships.  Harriet Lerner has written a valuable guide for both those who deserve an apology and those who owe one’ John Kador, author of Effective Apology

Why Won't You Apologize? is at once practical and profound. It guides us through the most difficult places in human relationships.  Read this book, then pass it on to the non-apologizer in your life' Monica McGoldrick, M.A., LCSW, Ph.D. (Honorary), Director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park, New Jersey

'Lerner takes us beyond the simple "I'm sorry," to show us how to restore connection with those we love the most. This wise and eminently down-to-earth book is a guide that will last a lifetime and heal the hearts of so many' Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

'With accessible language, luminous examples, and clinical nuance, Harriet Lerner shows us the value and power of apologies--and how and when to deliver and receive them. We applaud her achievement, including her compelling analysis of the dynamics of forgiveness. We recommend this book to anyone who has suffered hurt from others, or caused others to suffer. Who among us has not done both?' Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D., authors of Making Marriage Simple and Getting the Love You Want

'Why Won't You Apologize? is an immensely intelligent book. Lerner is an intrepid agent of change. What a gift!' Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D., Director of the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Center for Women

'Offers compelling stories and solid theory that demonstrates the transformative power of making amends and what is required when the damage we’ve inflicted (or received) is far from simple' The Pioneer (New Delhi)

'Using real-life stories [Lerner] engages with apology through a gamut of approaches – from what makes a meaningful apology to how not to give in to the pressure of forgiving' Midday Mumbai

'Offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections' The Financial Express (New Delhi) 

'We discover that there are those who never apologize and those who never stop saying sorry, and in between the rest of us who can probably all benefit from the healing and restorative effects of feeling sorry and expressing it.' Cygnus Review


Harriet Lerner

About Harriet Lerner

Dr Harriet Lerner is an internationally acclaimed relationship expert and author of many bestselling books, including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she is a distinguished lecturer, consultant and psychotherapist, and has served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for several decades. She is the author of 12 books published in 35 languages. She and her husband live in Lawrence, Kansas and have two grown sons.

Titles by Harriet Lerner
Other titles by Harriet Lerner